At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
