Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
