Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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