I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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