Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
