I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
