But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
