I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
