conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
