i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
