guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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