what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
