I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
