I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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