Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
