I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
