My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
