I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just forgot I was standing up.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
