I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
