whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
