god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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