Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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