i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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