I'm going to jail i love you
worst night to have a conscience
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
