There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
