Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
