So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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