WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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