apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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