I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
