I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
