What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize