the condom got lost in my hair
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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