I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
