I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
