I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This is the high leading the old right now
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
