Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
