Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
