Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
