I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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