He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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