Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
