Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
