I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She said her name was "party"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
