I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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