I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
