RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
