Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
