so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
