I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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