I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
