Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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