when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
