Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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