dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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