I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
