Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
