Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
