I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
